Huang Lu in Li Yang's "Blind Mountain".

I know, I know, it’s been awhile. I won’t make excuses (ok, I will, a 3000 mile roadtrip over the course of 2 1/2 weeks with 2 small children, 45 total hours in the car, and 5 separate family groups - I am exhausted). But, I’m back in the saddle. Muchos gracias to Luke for keeping the car running in my absence.

It’s a big week for big releases, but they all - for the most part - suck big wind.

Blind Mountain
Which is why my #1 pick is a film I’ve never even heard of. I don’t know anything about this other than what I read in the synopsis when I was stumbling through Amazon’s releases, but it sounds fascinating. Set amidst China’s breathtaking countryside, a young girl goes on what she believes to be an herb hunting expedition and wakes up the slave/wife of another man. Critical accolades appear to abound, and after Up the Yangtze I am freshly interested in all things Chinese.

Recommended if you liked Up the Yangtze, Still Life, or The Children of Huang Shi.

Pineapple Express -
The one marquee busting release this week that is, perhaps, worth some of your time. Seth Rogan plays the exact same character he’s always played and, barring an act of God, will always play, but James Franco does a career about-face as the stoner to end all stoners, and Danny McBride continues to launch his rising star ever higher as an accident prone but seemingly invincible drug dealer. There are laughs to be had, although I thought it was a bit of the Apatow machine’s same-old-same-old.

Recommended if you flock to anything with Judd Apatow’s name on it like pre-teen girls flock to the Jonas Brothers.

The Grocer’s Son
Another release from Film Movement, this small, contemplative film set in the French countryside. A self-obsessed bachelor returns home after his father suffers a heartattack and goes about the business of running his family’s mobile grocery mart. Family drama and romantic travails ensue, of course, and bits of light comedy are sprinkled throughout. Daniel Getahun had 300 thoughtful words to say about it, so I’m intrigued.

Recommended if you liked Chop Shop, Fraulein, or Bottle Shock.

Ping Pong Playa
A sports comedy that pokes fun at Chinese-American sterotypes and throws in a dollop of hip-hop for good measure? Whaaaaaa? I don’t like sports comedies, nor do I like hip-hop, but that combination of disparate elements is hard to ignore. Could be gold, could be coal, but at the very least, it’s sure to be different.

Recommended if you wished Balls of Fury had been real and, uh, less sucky.
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This review was originally published on August 6th, 2008.

“Well, it wasn’t as bad as Step Brothers.”

Pineapple Express is the worst kind of film a critic must write about. It succeeds admirably at its implied goals, entertains well enough, and doesn’t fail in miserable ways. You enjoy yourself while watching it, but when you leave the theater it flits out of your mind like toilet paper in the wind. As you sit down to pound out a review, you realize you can’t remember anything about it, so you pull your little notepad out that you scribble random thoughts on during screenings, looking for inspiration, only to discover you wrote nothing. The film engendered no thoughts of significant worth, either negative or positive, at least no thoughts that compelled you to record them for later use. You are, in a word, ambivalent. And now you have to write about your ambivalence in an entertaining and fair manner, when all you want to do is go into the other room and watch the latest episode of The Wire.

Sigh.
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This review was originally published August 12th, 2008.

Two days after seeing The Wackness, I’m still trying to figure out what I disliked so much about it. Some suggestions…
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Every year, December rolls around, and every year, we get the usual glut of movies that really, really, really, want to win Oscars. It’s simply a foregone conclusion, and that little statuette has been around long enough that people know by now what the Academy likes. And one of the things that it likes is, of course, World War II.
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“We should have total freedom to do as we like, just so long as it’s not dull. A critic who talks to me about plausibility is a dull fellow.” - Alfred Hitchcock, on the artistic freedom of filmmakers.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I’ve never worried much about the plausibility, or rather implausibility, of a given movie. Enforcing an outside reality on a piece of insular entertainment seems to be on par with showing up at an all-you-can-eat buffet with a calorie counter in hand. Watching your waistline certainly is an admirable goal, you’ve just come to the wrong place to do it. Director D. J. Caruso seemingly shares this viewpoint. Thus far in his career he has gravitated towards stories that allow him to throw the physics and expectations of the real world out the door, in the service of making an entertaining flick.
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Ghost Town is a film that’s somewhat obviously inspired by M. Night Shyamalan’s hit 90’s horror film The Sixth Sense, and it makes no bones about that — going so far as to use the tagline “He sees dead people…and they annoy him.” As the second half of the line suggests, however, Ghost Town is about as far from a horror film as this sort of story gets. The ghosts here bear no gruesome marks to indicate how they died (although they do wear whatever they died in — making things a bit awkward for those that died in the shower or while engaged in coitus), and you won’t hear a single bloodcurdling scream. No, Ghost Town is a simple romantic comedy — and a very good one, at that.
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Adapted from the play of the same name, Doubt commits the cardinal sin of stage-to-screen films: it fails to add anything of value. The cinematic trappings distract rather than enhance, and one is impressed that the picture pales in comparison to its in-the-flesh predecessor; breathing human beings, a stone’s throw from your seat, would grant the story an intimacy it desperately needs, an intimacy sorely lacking here.
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My Photoshop skills are not what I’d like them to be. Still, I offer this work of art as my Christmas gift to ya’ll. Feel free to print it out, give copies to loved ones, etc. Just spread the love. So anyway, I noticed that lately we’ve been slacking around here. I apologize. Y’know, holidays, and whatnot. I do know that Evan is putting the finishing touches on the latest episode of the podcast, and we have all sorts of awesomeness planned for January (the picture above provides a clue). So don’t go away just yet — none of us are quite ready to join the mass graveyard of neglected blogs.

Anyway…releases. This week’s a big one, mainly because of Christmas. Hollywood assumes you won’t want to do anything besides go to a movie this Thursday, and they’re probably right. But, despite the release date, none of these are particularly “Christmassy.” You’d think some would be, since there are still another eleven days of Christmas after the 25th and all, but nope. Luckily, though, you all have me to tell you which movie is the most Christmassy. Enjoy!

Frost/Nixon

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: There’s an old jolly dude in it. Nixon was jolly, right?

Family Film? Well, hmmm…kids do need to learn their history. Then again, they also need to learn punctuation.

Snarky Comment: It’s a good thing that Ron Howard got this out this year, so he can still feel smug about it.

Recommended if you’re impressed by political activism 30 years after the fact.

Valkyrie

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: A group of German soldiers conspire to assassinate Hitler, presumably to bring about “peace on earth.”

Family Film? Probably not. I’m detecting a distinct lack of “goodwill toward men.” Or at least “goodwill toward men whose names are Adolph Hitler.”

Snarky Comment: Usually, movies set during World War II win Oscars every time someone at the Academy sneezes, but this one probably won’t, since it’s a “thriller,” not a “drama.” On the bright side, that also means it might not be “boring.”

Recommended if you wished James Bond had made a cameo in Schindler’s List

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Tenuous Connection to Christmas: It’s about a guy who lives life backwards, so the plot has a lot of nostalgia built right in.

Family Film? Sounds like a fairytale to me, but its PG-13 rating isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement. (Then again, the kiddies do love that F. Scott Fitzgerald.)

Snarky Comment: It seems like everyone on the Internets is jumping up and down and squealing over this movie but me — I’m not sure what I’m missing. (Evan’s seen it, and he assures me it’s worth the excitement. Take that for what it’s worth.)

Recommended if you liked The Fountain, Pan’s Labyrinth or The Great Gatsby
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No more kid gloves. These are both pretty hard, although the easy poster shouldn’t be impossible for those familiar with classic poster design.

The same old same old: we do this each week at 11AM CST; easy poster worth 1 point, hard poster worth 2. Fox has taken a handy dandy lead, although this week should stick a wrench in his momentum. And we’ll be taking a break next week for obvious holiday related reasons.

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Three years ago, I made the acquaintance of a little horror picture called The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I didn’t walk in with anything resembling high expectations – history told me that horror films about demon possession were, as a rule, terrible (thanks to the fact that genre-definer The Exorcist couldn’t possibly be improved upon, of course), and director Scott Derrickson’s only previous credit was that direct-to-video classic Hellraiser V: Inferno – but I walked out pleasantly surprised. The film was a funky little exercise in eclecticism – combining courtroom drama with spooky atmosphere and jump scares – plus, it spoke somewhat directly to the times, and while it might not have reached Bergman levels of profundity, it surprised me with its depth of emotion and it even made me reexamine bits of my worldview. It wasn’t a particularly well-reviewed film (though it did make the Chicago Film Critics Association’s list of the “Hundred Scariest Movies of All Time”), but it did manage to change the way I thought about horror movies, and – most importantly - it got me interested in Derrickson.

Well, perhaps that interest was a bit misguided. Or perhaps he’s hit a sophomore slump (this being his second theatrical release). Or maybe he’s simply not at his most comfortable working with a script he didn’t write. Or (most likely) he simply can’t make a great film when he’s not working with great talent. But for whatever reason, his latest – a remake of the 1951 science fiction classic The Day the Earth Stood Still – just doesn’t make it over the bar he’s set for himself.
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Oscar season marches on…in New York and L.A. As for the rest of us, we get the following would-be blockbusters…

The Day the Earth Stood Still
Um…yeah. A remake of the 1951 science fiction classic, starring Keanu Reeves? I admit it sounds like a terrible idea, but then I saw that it’s being directed by Scott Derrickson, who I’m kind of a fan of. He directed 2005’s The Exorcism of Emily Rose, which is a pretty underrated film in my opinion — if you’re ever in the mood for a funky little amalgam of 70’s horror and Inherit the Wind-style courtroom drama, check it out. In any case, I think that Keanu threatens to destroy the world and then doesn’t, or something. That sounds like a good way to spend a reel of film to me.

Recommended if you’ve never seen either of the following: 1. the 1951 The Day the Earth Stood Still; 2. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi
It’s a Bollywood romantic-comedy-musical! Who doesn’t love those? What more could you possibly want? Why wouldn’t you want to go? Especially given the other offerings this week…

Recommended if the annual glut of stodgy period dramas has got you down.

Delgo
Yet another computer-animated family movie? We must have done something extra good this year! Actually, truth be told, this one looks watchable, if only for the epic fantasy visuals (which aren’t up to Pixar standards, but then again, nothing is). It also has the obligatory B-list all-star cast (Freddie Prinze, Jr.; Val Kilmer; etc.), in case you’re into that sort of thing.

Recommended if you love Shrek but hate all that irony.

Nothing Like the Holidays
Well, it’s the Christmas season, so it’s time for Hollywood to cash in like it’s going out of style. Fortunately, we don’t have to deal with another fiasco like Elf or Fred Claus, but…honestly, I can’t think of a single reason to see this movie. Then again, it is Christmas-themed. And I’m a sucker for that stuff. And Hollywood knows it. Ugh…one please, Mr. Pimply-faced AMC Theaters Employee.

Recommended if you liked The Family Stone; My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding; or While You Were Sleeping

The theme this week is films that have not yet been released in theaters. They’re coming, and soon, but as of now you will not find them darkening the silver screens of your cineplex.

Quick recap: each Wed. at 11AM CST we run this little game. Easy poster is worth 1 point, Hard poster is worth 2. And…. go go go go go!

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What does up-and-coming African-American director Darnell Martin have in common with veteran white guy Clint Eastwood? It sounds like a lame Hollywood insider joke, but it’s not: They both recently directed bland, by-the-numbers biopics. And unfortunately for Martin, hers isn’t about white people screaming and crying (well — most of it isn’t, anyway), so it hasn’t garnered much Oscar buzz.
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"Peter and the Wolf", winner of the 2007 Academy Award for Best Animated Short Film.

For all intents and purposes, there’s really only one film being released this week. Which is too bad, since a few independent gems might fall into the shadow of the bat, never to be seen again. But that’s what I’m here for.

The Dark Knight -
I don’t need to write much about this. If you’re one of the 2.5 people who haven’t seen it already, nows your chance. It knocked my socks off (literally - they’re lying in a pool of dried Coke on some dirty multiplex floor out there). Will it age well? Is it the masterpiece many (including myself) have claimed it to be? Who the heck knows? It is, however, beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of the most thrilling films of the year. Even if your name is Luke.

Recommended for all non-blind people.

| Purchase The Dark Knight on Blu-ray

Man On Wire
Any other release day, this film would be topping the list. One of the best documentaries of the year, it recounts Philippe Petit’s 1974 act of “performance art terrorism,” in which he strung a cable between the two towers of the World Trade Center and crossed back and forth, using only a pole for balance. Part Ocean’s 11, part Werner Herzog insanity, this is a must-see doc that entertains as often as it takes away breath. See Craig Kennedy’s review for confirmation.

Recommended also for all non-blind people.

| Purchase Man On Wire on Blu-ray

The Rape of Europa: Collector’s Edition -
This one came out a month and a half ago, but they’re now releasing it in a fancy collector’s edition, complete with supplementary interviews and intriguing tidbits. If you missed it once before, don’t let it pass you by a second time (I’m looking at you Daniel Getahun). An absolutely fascinating perspective on a time period that I thought the History Channel had exhausted a long time ago.

Recommended if you liked Stolen, The War, or Who the #$&% is Jackson Pollack?

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This review was originally published August 4th, 2008.

Thank you for your patience. Many factors contributed to the time it took me to write this, not least of all its length, but I hope it was worth the wait, and I hope that you are still interested in reading it.

There is a clear distinction between the film reviewer and the film critic, although at first glance it appears to simply be semantics. The film reviewer writes for the person who has not yet seen the film in question and may not know anything about it. They avoid significant spoilers, spend a great deal of time synopsizing, keep things relatively brief, and cultivate a tone of recommendation: thumbs up or thumbs down, praise or pan, see it now, wait for the DVD, or avoid like the plague. The film critic, on the other hand, writes for the person who has already seen the film. They discuss the internal workings of the movie, wrestle with why it succeeds or fails, and attempt to bring about a deeper understanding of the film’s sociological implications and its place within the culture at large.

I attempt, with varying degrees of success, to combine both of these paradigms in my writing, but The Dark Knight necessitates a more critical approach. In my professional career as a critic so far, it has been the only film that I have required myself to see twice before writing about. Although I am somewhat late to the party, you would have all seen the film whether I told you to or not, so I’m not concerned with the tardiness of this piece. I am also eschewing the guidelines for reviewing, embracing the role of critic instead, so if you’re in the 5% who have yet to see the box office record breaker (rectify that immediately), consider yourself forewarned.
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This review was originally published March 21, 2008.

The work of Dr. Seuss has not had an easy life on the silver screen. Ron Howard’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas should top any conscious filmgoer’s list of worst Christmas films and the even more despicable The Cat in the Hat surely caused more than one heart attack at the Seuss estate. It is with these two films in mind that I walked into Blue Sky Animation’s production of Horton Hears a Who with trepidation. Would Hollywood again ravage the work of my favorite childhood author and leave it bleeding on the side of the road?
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Wow…I never thought I’d be saying this, but this is a pretty good week for new releases. Just when I was starting to fall asleep, Hollywood came through with three very good choices (and one lame one). Go see a movie this weekend…that’s an order.

Nobel Son
Okay, so I put this movie at the top because I was under the impression that it was well-reviewed. Then I checked Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes, and it turns out that it’s not. That’s the last time I listen to you, Wikipedia! Grrr. Still, I can think of a lot of good reasons to see this one: (1.) Alan Rickman, who has never put in a bad performance in his life (if you haven’t seen Bottle Shock, you really should); (2.) a cool-sounding premise that’s half Coen, half Tarantino, and all awesome (Nobel laureate’s dysfunctional family is thrown into turmoil when his son gets kidnapped); and (3.) a catchy title. I know that last one doesn’t sound that important, but seriously — who wants to walk into work on Monday and have to say, “So I saw Riding in Cars with Boys over the weekend…”, or possibly, “You really should check out Life as a House…“? Nobody. That’s who.

Recommended if you want to see Burn After Reading combined with Smart People and filtered through the mind of Steven Spielberg

Cadillac Records
The story of how Leonard Chess founded Chess Records, the Chicago-based blues powerhouse. Okay, so there might not be a huge audience for this one (I can already hear Evan groaning…), but if you know me, you know that I love blues music with all of my soul (pun intended, of course), and there is no way that I’m going to miss this one — particularly since I noticed Mos Def is playing Chuck Berry. That should be interesting. (No word on whether Michael J. Fox will make and appearance.)

Recommended if you liked Ray, The Buddy Holly Story or That Thing You Do!

Milk
It would have to be a good week (and it clearly is) for this one to be my third choice. The true story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay individual to be elected to office in the U.S., it should be an interesting ride. I can’t promise intellectual depth, but I’m counting on an engaging and challenging story. It stars Sean Penn and was directed by Gus van Sant, so it pretty much screams “Oscar bait”…but if that’s your cup of tea, you can’t go wrong with this one. Watch the trailer here.

Recommended if you like Oscar bait. ‘Nuff said.

Punisher: War Zone
Marvel has, as of late, been hell-bent on immortalizing all of their characters in celluloid, whatever the cost (though frankly I’m wondering where the She-Hulk adaptation is). Their current strategy seems to be to rush as many adaptations out the door as possible, and simply remake the ones that end up sucking (we saw this happen earlier this year with The Incredible Hulk, which was essentially a reboot of Hulk — no word yet on whether we can expect a second reboot in a couple of years). So here it is…the reboot of the Punisher franchise that never was. Frankly, I don’t think I can take another comic book movie (especially after the bloated and overrated Dark Knight…yeah, I said it), but feel free to go if you want. At least Marvel hasn’t been desperately milking the same property since 1989, like a certain other comic book publisher has…

Recommended if you liked the 1989 version of The Punisher, or if you liked the 2004 version of The Punisher, or if you didn’t like either and you’re hoping this one will be better

Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father, the film that we have been talking about quite a bit for the past month, will be premiering on MSNBC this coming Sunday at 9PM Eastern, and again at Midnight. The cut will be slightly shorter, but director Kurt Kuenne edited the TV version himself and is “very happy” with it.

Phillip gave it 4 1/2 5 stars (our highest rating) and Sam Juliano of Wonders In the Dark also gave it 5 stars (his highest rating), so if you haven’t seen it yet (and chances are you haven’t) then make sure you don’t miss this opportunity. It’s one of the most powerful films of the year, hands down.

Taybo20 hit the jackpot last week when no competition of any kind presented itself. He has handily sling-shotted himself into the lead. Good luck catching him.

And for those of you new to this, we play this game every Wednesday at 11AM CST. The Easy poster is worth 1 point, the Hard poster is worth 2. Person with the fewest points at the end of the game suffers unspeakable humiliation at the hands of a disgruntled carny. Wrong guesses don’t count against you, so guess as much and as often as you like.

The theme this week? These are two of my absolute favorite films, although I know that doesn’t help you much (and no, one of them is not The Rundown).

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It’s our tenth-tacular episode of the MovieZeal podcast. And how could we possibly pass up a chance to wax witty on Bond, James Bond? Well, we couldn’t, and we didn’t. Additionally, we decided to skip out on the wine this week and mix ourselves up a few Vespers, that stiff drink that Bond makes up on the spot in Casino Royale, naming it after the woman who he’ll soon be seeking revenge for. And finally, Heather ran Luke through the Gauntlet with one of her favorite guilty pleasure spy flicks, In Like Flint. Download, listen, enjoy.

Highlights from the show:

• Luke confesses he hasn’t seen a Bond film since the Sean Connery era.
• Heather quietly weeps in the corner, mourning the death of her beloved Bondian gadgets.
• Evan finishes his entire Vesper, which may have not been the best idea.

 

 Episode 10 - Spy vs. Spy [59:16m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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