America, and like…1989, I think?
Directed By: Probably Steven Spielberg. He’s a director, right?
Written By: Not those guys who wrote the Pirates movies. So I don’t care.
Starring: Some dude who sounds like that mouse from Animaniacs
Running Time: Too friggin’ long.
Rated PG…for boring-ness.
(out of 57 rectangles)
Note: This was written for the Bizarro Blogathon at Lazy Eye Theater.
Okay, so I was just, like, hanging out, when this guy Evan says to me, “Why don’t we watch this movie?” and I’m all like “What movie is it?” and he says “It’s called Citizen Kane.” I say, “Citizen Kane? Is that one new? I’ve never heard of it.” And he’s all like “No, I think it’s been around a while now.”
“So it’s like, 80’s? Does it have Patrick Swayze in it?”
And he’s all like, “Patrick Swayze? Like in Dirty Dancing? That’s barely even a movie!” and I’m all like, “Whatever,” so he pops it in the DVD player, and it starts up.
OMG, it sucked.
Okay, so like first off, they must have been using some weird new digital effect or something, because the colors were, like, missing. I mean, I don’t get it. Everything was in, like, shades of gray, or something. There was just black…and white. Um, excuse me? Maybe it was supposed to be like that other movie, Sin City? OMG, Jessica Alba was sooo hot.
So, it opens with this shot of an old guy. Yeah, like I want to see an old guy????? And I’m totally serious: the camera was, like pointed straight up his nose! Ew! And then he said some word that I didn’t understand, so I’m all like, “What did he say?” and Evan’s like “Sssh!” but I’m like, “Whatever, I want to know what he said,” and he’s like, “Let me watch the frickin’ movie,” but I’m like, “Please just tell me,” and finally he goes, “Rosebud! He said Rosebud, okay?! Just watch the movie!” so I’m all like, “Where did that come from? Chill.” And he just glares at me. What did I do?
So because Evan was talking I missed most of the next part. I think it was like a news show, or something? But they were, like, watching it in a movie theater. Why would they do that? I’m like, is that supposed to be funny? Where’s the joke? I mean, I’m sorry, but a movie that wants to make me laugh needs to try a little harder than that. Like that new movie with the guy from Austin Powers. That movie was good. And also, I totally got to make out at it.
So anyway, the news show ends and there’s some people in the theater and they’re all like, “What does Rosebud mean?” and I’m like “Duh! That’s what I’ve been asking Evan for the last ten minutes!”
And he’s like “Ssshh!”
And I’m all like, “Just tell me what Rosebud means! I hate movies that are hard to understand. This is like that time I tried to watch Knocked Up and I was like, why is everyone fighting? I thought this was a comedy! Hello!” And so Evan tells me to shut up again, and I tell him I can’t follow this movie cuz I don’t know what “Rosebud” means.
This movie sucks.
So then there’s this guy who’s, like, going around, and um, talking to people. So I’m like, “I don’t get it. Was that the old guy from earlier?” and he’s like, “No, this is a reporter.” OMG, what??? Why do they keep giving me new characters?
So, then my friend Chris totally texted me, and I had to have this way-important conversation with him because he can’t find the tap for our kegger, and I’m trying to solve his crisis, and then when I look up, there’s this kid on a sled or something. Whatever. Then later on, I guess, this guy gets a newspaper company, and—seriously—those girls aren’t even hot. What are they doing in a movie???
Yeah, so I finally avert this crisis with Chris, and I have, like, no idea what’s happening. What good is a movie if you lose the plot the second you take out your cellphone? Who likes garbage like that?
Okay, so I guess later on, there’s some sort of scene in a tent, or something? And this guy totally slaps his wife, which is so not cool. This is why this movie sucks—it has a guy slapping his wife. I’m just so totally against domestic violence, and everything it, like, stands for, and, like, any movie that has it, and stuff.
Then Old Dude throws a temper tantrum, and then he dies again. So like, what? They think that, like, when I watch a movie, I like, wanna see a guy die twice? Oh, and then they burn a sled. Like, who burns a sled? I guess that part was supposed to be funny, again. This movie was total crap.
So, like, I don’t even know what Hollywood was thinking when they made this movie. First off, when you make a movie, it needs to make sense, okay? Like, if there’s a guy and girl, they need to fall in love. And if there’s a car, it needs to explode. And if you want to be funny, you can’t have characters that just sit around and talk, without ever wearing funny underwear. This isn’t that hard, okay people? Also, it was way too unrealistic. Like, people don’t die twice. The world has more than two colors. And Xanadu is so not some mansion in California. It’s an Olivia Newton-John movie, okay???
How people can be so totally dumb…it just makes me…um…y’know…mad.