Hey friends…and welcome to new readers. For the unitiated, we do this twice a week: One of us goes through the new releases and makes fun of them, and then the fanboys post angry comments. Again, the movies are listed in order of my own interest…not the order that the various Hollywood cartels would have us put them in. Enjoy.

Journey to the Center of the Earth
I think it’s safe to say that no one is rooting for Walden Media more than myself. I just can’t say anything terribly bad about a company dedicated to turning great children’s books into great movies, and Because of Winn-Dixie and the latest Narnia movie were both brilliant. Heck, they even had a hand in distributing Michael Apted’s Amazing Grace, which I thank them for. Unfortunately, they just don’t have a very good track record, particularly when it comes to Jules Verne (Around the World in 80 Days, anyone?). On the bright side, this very loose adaptation of his novel of the same name looks fairly easy to sit through — it’s in 3D, which promises eye candy; and after Dudley Do-Right, it can’t possibly be Brendan Frasier’s worst film (although it remains to be seen whether The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor will usurp that particular title). The verdict? This probably isn’t terrible, but if you’re looking for famblee entertainment, WALL-E is likely a better choice.

Recommended if you didn’t learn your lesson from Beowulf

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Ladies and gentlemen, I present “Exhibit A” in the category of “Second Installment of a Comic Book Franchise That I Don’t Particularly Care About From a Director I Otherwise Admire” (see next week’s The Dark Knightfor Exhibit B). I guess the first Hellboy had its admirers (…cue the crickets), but I thought that it was one of the most unrelentingly stupid things I’d ever had to sit through, and had all of one good scene (that one where Hellboy talks to that kid on that roof — why couldn’t the whole movie have been like that?). But “visionary director” (thanks to theHellboy II trailer for that not-at-all-desperate-sounding phrase) Guilermo del Toro proved with Pan’s Labrynth that he can, in fact, direct a real movie…and the trailer for this one looks kind of cool. So it might be worth a shot. Oh, and for those of you who don’t know the premise: Hellboy is some sort of reformed demon who battles some sort of bad guys and some sort of saves the day. Y’know — not at all like Ghost Rider or Spawn. Or Blade. Or…um…Little Nicky.

Recommended if you liked V for Vendetta or 300

Meet Dave
Ugh…watch me not care. Yet another halfway-decent high concept, ruined by the presence of Eddie Murphy. Hey, producers: Just because Eddie implied that he might sorta-kinda be able to act in Dreamgirlsdoesn’t mean that you need to keep giving him work, especially in movies that would still be forgettable garbage even if they starred Alec Guinness. Anyway, Eddie is a human-shaped spaceship piloted by bite-sized aliens, and…yeah, sorry, but an Eddie Murphy vehicle just isn’t worth any more effort.

Recommended if your girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time…

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