Avast, me hearties! As I were sayin’ to me parrot t’other day, September 19th be Talk Like a Pirate Day — and, if you can remember that far back, ’twere a darned fine holiday, before the Pastafarians got to it. But sadly, Hollywood did never catch on to such a fine day — there be not one movie about pirates comin’ out this weekend! So, ’tis up to me to pirate-ify them…yaaarrgh…

Lakeview Terrace
Yaaargh…that Samuel of Jackson be one mighty bad lubber. Here he be playin’ a cop that don’t be approvin’ of interracial marriage. And since his neighbors be minglin’ and miscegenatin’, he sets out to make ‘em walk the proverbial plank. Of course, since he be the cap’n, there don’t be nuthin’ they can do. (Can’t you just hear the producer they pitched it to sayin’ “Shiver me timbers! Here there be conflict!”?)

Recommended if ye like movies about stalkers. And begad, who don’t?

Here there be monsters. Remember Frankenstein’s matey Igor? (No — not Fritz — the other one.) Well, avast, it seems that every mad scientist hath one, and they all be voiced by John Cusack! But one be rockin’ the boat — he wants to be a mad scientist himself! Yaaargh…what manner of devilry is this?

Recommended if ye liked Corpse Bride or Invader Zim

Ghost Town
Well blow me down and shiver me sails. This week, there be nuthin’ but strange, half-baked premises. In this bilge, some dentist be dyin’ on an operatin’ table during a colonoscopy. Then he be needin’ to do…somethin’. I have no idea. But I best warn ya — it be captained by David Koepp of Secret Window…

Recommended if ye been wishin’ for a sequel to Ghost Dad. (Never thought I’d be typin’ that…)

My Best Friend’s Girl
Um…yaarrgh. Here there be Dane Cook. Best chart a course far, far away, mateys.

Recommended if ye’re head be full o’ scurvy, ye’re belly be full o’ grog, and ye has an undiscriminatin’ pretty lass on ye’re arm…

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