It’s President Obama’s brithday (seriously), and the DVD-publishing community has decided to celebrate with these fine offerings…*

*Offerings may or may not be fine. Details subject to change.

Well, I hope it’s better than August Rush.  Other than that, I really know nothing about it except that it’s about a couple of dot-com entrepreneurs struggling to survive directly after the September 11th attacks. The reviews weren’t great, but the subject matter is intriguing to me, and it’s certainly relevant (and is arguably getting more relevant every day).

See it if you’re into things that may or may not be relevant.

Mutant Chronicles
Hmmm…a movie based on a fantasy role-playing game? How could I refuse, after Dungeons and Dragons?! Okay, let me be honest: there’s nothing remotely interesting to me coming out this week, but a godawful adventure through an alien-infested steampunk world sounds more tolerable than most of this other stuff.

See it if you spend all your time polishing your +3 two-handed broadsword.

Labor Pains
Wow, Ms. Lohan, how you have fallen. I don’t think anyone dug Mean Girlsmore than I did, and you were probably one of the better things about it. If you had kept hanging around Tina Fey, you could have been relevant — but you had to go and get your degree from the Paris Hilton School of How to Be a Celebrity (And Do Other Stuff Idiotically Too). Now look at you. Made-for-ABC-Family-Channel movies about lying to your boss about being pregnant? Lindsey, even you could do better than this.

See it if you liked Baby Mama or Miss Conception

Probably the only legitimately “good” movie coming out this week, this one is a mafia drama produced in Italy. Wait…really, guys? You do know you’re just perpetuating your own stereotypes, don’t you? It’d be like if I made a film about people getting fat off of fast food and set it in the U.S….or if I made a movie about people getting drunk and set it in Ireland…or if I made a rap album about being a street thug…don’t stop me now, I’m on a roll!

See it if you think I’m on a roll.

This one was one of last year’s most colossal flops, so I suppose it should surprise no one that it took nearly a year for it to come out on DVD (especially since it was an independent production). I admit that I’m a little intrigued to see it, especially since the trailer made the animation look not-too-shabby. Mostly, though, I’d just like to know if it’s nearly as bad as everyone seems to think it was.

See it if you’re one of those people who will pay to see anything as long as it’s CGI.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh
Mysteries of Pittsburgh that I’d like to see answered: (1) Why hasn’t your baseball team won the pennant since 1979, despite the awesomeness of its name? (2) Who came up with the idea to put coleslaw and french fries in your sandwiches? (3) Of the 57 Heinz varieties, which is the best (and it better not be the ketchup)? (4) Can I have your recipe for pierogies? (5)Seriously, sold any steel lately?

…I have no idea if this movie will answer any of those questions. I’m just sayin’.

See it if you just can’t get enough coming-of-age stories.

Hmmm…a stalker movie starring Beyonce Knowles? I’m trying to care…but…nope, sorry. I’m one of the biggest apologists I know for The Fighting Temptations, but that doesn’t change the fact that Beyonce can’t act (see: Cadillac Records). Add to that a terrible critical reception, and I’m starting to think this one might not be worth my time. Don’t let me stop you, though.

See it if Fatal Attraction is all rented out.

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