It’s summer, which means that absolutely nothing worth seeing comes out on DVD. Sometimes I think Hollywood does this on purpose, so that you’ll be forced to pay fifteen bucks to see a movie in theaters (y’know, kind of like they make broadcast TV suck on purpose so that you have to pay for cable). Of course, your other option would be to rent something more than a few months old…but we both know you won’t be doing that.

Anyway, this week you get everything below, plus a half dozen horror remakes and an Iron Maiden rockumentary that I won’t waste space on.

Five Fingers
There’s absolutely nothing in the way of information on this one out there…apparently, it’s a film about a jazz pianist who gets kidnapped by Moroccan terrorists and features Laurence Fish burne. It only received a very limited release in theaters, and was virtually ignored by the press. Could be the overlooked classic of the century, could be just a lousy film with lousy publicity. You see it and then let me know.

See it if you just can’t get enough of Hollywood’s take on the War on Terror.

Nic Cage rushes to prevent the end of the world. Just a typical day in the life of Nic Cage, of course. I didn’t catch this one when it was in theaters, and Metacrtic is showing every possible rating between “0″ and “100.” To my way of thinking, the only thing worse than a disaster movie is a Nic Cage movie, but then again, it is possible that the badness of those two items, combined together, makes something awesome. Is there anyone who caught this one and wants to report? (Side note: This one’s title actually won an award for Blandest Use of a Gerund Ever [citation needed].)

See it if you’re buying into all this garbage about 2012 (and no, I’m not talking about Palin’s campaign).

No, this one isn’t about the birth of a child…it’s just yet another movie about kids with Special Powers. It was released right at the height of Really Terrible Movie Season (i.e., the beginning of February), and it got Really Terrible Reviews — not that that necessarily means anything. It sounds to me like a bad mash up of Harry Potter and X-men, but I’ve been wrong before. It’s also got Dakota Fanning in it, in case you’re into Dakota Fanning.

See it if you’re into Dakota Fanning.

The Unborn
Well kids, here it is again. The movie that no one saw when it was in theaters, now available on DVD so no one can see it in the comfort of their own home. The touching story of a girl, her spontaneously aborted twin’s ghost, and a lot of tacky jump scares. See it today before it hits the bargain bin!

See it if you were offended by my dismissive tone.

Evil Bong 2: King Bong
I’m mainly including this last one to save my sanity here…I find the idea of this film much less annoying than the idea of The Unborn. Somehow, I missed out on Evil Bong 1 (I’m at a loss to explain my oversight there), but I kind of doubt that that will matter at all. This one combines all of my favorite genres: Stoner Flick, Horror Film, and Really Terrible Movie With No Budget. Also, the tagline on the box over there is “In 3D, if you’re stoned!” What’s not to love?

See it if you were too baked to get through the preceeding paragraph.

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