Well kids, G.I. Joe this week. It’s directed by Stephen Sommers (y’know, the auteur behind Van Helsing), and Paramount has decided not to screen it in advance for critics (pretty much a tacit admission that it sucks), but it’ll still make millions and millions of dollars. Still, I have to recommend either of the other two films on this list. As always, though, the choice is yours…

Julie & Julia
Allegedly the first movie ever based on a blog, this one follows the adventures of blogger Julie Powell as she attempts to cook all 524 recipes from Julia Child’s book Mastering the Art of French Cooking in a year. Reasons I care: (1) It’s written and directed by Nora Ephron, creator ofYou’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally. (2) Julia Child pretty much taught me how to cook. Well, her books did. That woman is amazing.

See it if you liked No Reservations or Ratatouille

A Perfect Getaway
Hmmm…bunch of young, attractive people get lost in the wilderness and are stalked by something that wants them dead. Clever premise…I wish I’d thought of it.

See it if you liked The Ruins or Pitch Black

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Fun fact: prior to the extensive deregulation of television under the Reagan administration, children’s shows with toy tie-ins were banned. Why? Because kids are unable to understand things like the nature of money and the persuasive intention of commercials. In other words, creating a cartoon just to convince them to buy a toy is basically a poor man’s form of mind control. Anyway, Gen-X (and early Gen-Y)  grew up with the first round of toy-selling cartoons — and now look at them. Not only did they buy all kinds of plastic crap they didn’t need in the 1980’s; they’re still spending money to see embarrassing garbage like this and Michael Bay’s Transformers series, just because they’re tied into cartoons they used to like! Congratulations, evil corporations, you win!

See it if your favorite genre of movies is OMG GUYS SHOOTING EACH OTHER AND BLOWING STUFF UP11111

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