So…between DVDs and theatrical releases, Dakota Fanning has four movies coming out this week. Serisouly, Fanning, take a vacation.

I was totally going to go to a critics’ screening of this one, and then it slipped my mind. So I still haven’t seen it, but I have to say it looks pretty cool. Stop-motion animation (like CGI, kids, only better), digital 3D, based on a popular children’s book, spooky atmosphere…honestly, what more could you want? This one’s rated PG and directed by the same guy who did The Nightmare Before Christmas…so if you and/or your kids are looking to have a weekend that’s OMG SO GOTHZ, this is your obvious choice.

Recommended if you liked The Nightmare Before Christmas or James and the Giant Peach

I guess this one is the choice if you’re feeling more ZOMG SO EMO (and yes, there’s a very subtle distinction). In this one, a group of teens with telepathic and clairvoyant abilities, one of whom is Dakota Fanning, have to escape an evil government conspiracy that wants to use their powers for…y’know…evil. Now I’m not saying that this sounds like a total rip-off of the popular X-men franchise, but…um…it sounds…like…a total…rip-off…of the popular X-men franchise.

Recommended if you fondly remember all those movies you sat through as a kid that were centered around a motley group of young heroes, all with their own special ability, who had to use said special abilities at key points in the story in order to overcome evil and learn to believe in themselves

He’s Just Not That Into You
How out of ideas do you have to be in order to resort to taking a best-selling work of non-fiction and then turning it into a formulaic romantic comedy? In terms of inspiration, this one ranks right up there with How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but a surprisingly large number of big-name actors apparently thought this was a good idea: Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, and Scarlett Johansson (among others) all show up. Sounds like the biggest waste of established brand names I’ve seen in a while, but I’d still rather watch this than the next one on the list.

Recommended if you liked Love Actually (or if you like love, actually)

The #$%#ing Pink Panther 2
I’m sorry, but I can’t even pretend to be objective with this one. What do I hate more: the fact that Steve Martin hasn’t made a good movie in nearly twenty years, or the fact that Hollywood depends on an endless parade of pointless and insulting “reboots” just to pay the bills? I can only imagine what Steve Martin’s daily scehdule looks like: 6:00 am: Breakfast. 7:00 am: Take a dump all over the legacy of Peter Sellers. And seriously, what genious came up with that title? If nothing else, at least the sequels in the original series pretended to be different movies. Here’s some free advice: Hollywood thinks you’re a drooling, lobotomized idiot. That’s why they put derivitive crap like this in theaters. Every time you buy a ticket to a movie like this, you’re confirming that suspicion for them. SO PLEASE JUST @#$%ING DON’T.

Recommended if you want me to hunt you down.


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