So, I was gnawing on a turkey leg when I realized I’d forgotten to do the obligatory “new releases” post. And then I realized that it was even worse than I thought, since the new movies came out yesterday, this being a holiday weekend and all. So I apologize to all three of you out there who were waiting to see what I had to say about Four Christmases. Let’s try to make the most of things anyway.
I didn’t have much to say about any of these films, so I figured I’d just provide you with the blurbs that will probably be on the back of the DVD cases for these in a few months. Here goes:
From director Baz Luhrmann, the genius who brought you that one version ofRomeo + Juliet that probably didn’t suck too bad (we’re not really sure, since none of us remember the 90’s all that well) comes an action-romance-adventure-[insert whatever genre you like here] film you won’t soon forget! Sexy (she’s only forty!) Nicole Kidman stars with the dashing Hugh Jackman (Van Helsing Deception X-men) in an adventure set in the Australian outback! Winner of nine Academy Awards®™©, including “Best Movie Named After a Continent!” David Manning of the Ridgefield Press raves, “It’s a nonstop thrill ride!!!”
Recommended if you liked Moulin Rouge, Romancing the Stone or Pearl Harbor
Relive the magic…the memories…the proof that Hollywood can occasionally spell out entire titles in a manner consistent with the MLA stylebook! Now the magic of 4Xmas’s can be yours to own forever, and cherish for eternity, and rewatch for…um…a really long time. Featuring Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn, who have both probably been in other good movies recently (or, at the very least, have been caught in interesting compromising positions in the tabloids), this romantic comedy will make you laugh and warm your heart. Make it a part of your holiday tradition now (we’re sure you can squeeze it in between Surviving Christmas and The Family Man). David Manning of theRidgefield Press raves, “It’s a nonstop thrill ride!!!!!”
Recommended if you’re one of those suckers who will buy anything with “Christmas” written on it (and believe me, I’ve been there myself)
In the tradition of action movies with one-word titles that are a vague description of someone’s occupation comes this latest obligatory sequel cash-in, which Don Finkelstien of the New England Really Old Telegraphpraised as “A throw-down, knock-up, take-no-prisoners, write-no-thank-you-notes, eat-no-raw-fish thrill ride that grabs you by the throat and doesn’t let go!!! And even when it does, it bites your ear off, just to make sure you know it means business!!!! And then it spreads some nasty rumors about you on MySpace!!!!!!!” Jason Statham (The Transporter, Transporter 2, Transporter 2½, Transporter: The Reckoning, Transporter: Requiem for a Bunch of Dead Guys, Transporter: Day of Judgment, Transporter: Another Day of Judgment, Transporter: Yet Another Day of Judgment, Transporter: Princess Tea Party, and Transporter: You People are Still Coming to See These Things!!??) stars as…a…guy…and there are a bunch of AWESOME EXPLOSIONS!!! David Manning of the Ridgefield Press raves, “It’s a nonstop thrill ride!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Recommended if, unlike me, you actually saw Transporter 1 and 2 (you don’t have to feel bad — this is French cinema, so you know it’s sophisticated)