News item of the day: Flobots are friggin’ amazing. Okay, I promise that’s the last time I’ll do that. It was just a mind-blowing show, that’s all.

Anyway, this week, you have the choice between watching people get tortured (Saw V), watching cops make torturous decisions (Pride and Glory), watching a movie with torturous suspense (Passengers), and — well — actually getting tortured yourself (High School Musical 3).

High School Musical 3
Of course, if you know me at all, you know I was kidding about that last part, because I FRIGGIN’ LOVE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!!! I do have to admit that I finally saw High School Musical 2 the other day, and it was a bit disappointing — but I won’t let that keep me away from the franchise’s big-screen debut. Yes, debut. What started as a little one-shot on the Disney Channel has grown into a cultural phenomenon. This, my friends, is true grassroots. Also, what I just said made absolutely no sense. I must be blinded by the awesomeness of High School Musical.

Recommended if you’re a ten-year-old, or if, like me, you’re a really creepy adult who thinks he’s a ten-year-old and routinely terrifies his wife with his obsession over High School Musical

Anne Hathaway is a therapist that has to counsel the survivors of an airline crash that’s shrouded in mystery…and then all the passengers start disappearing one by one. How is she going to solve the mystery? Don’t worry — Anne hath a way. (I always wanted to make that joke…and then when the moment finally comes…wow, this is all just too much for me.)

Recommended if you like mysterious airline crash stories like Lost or Fringe

Pride and Glory
In yet another family-vs.-justice crime movie, Edward “HULK SMASH” Norton has to choose between turning in his own brothers and…um…not turning in his own brothers. How’s that for high drama? This one also features Collin Farrell and a poster that looks like the one for last year’s We Own the Night.

Recommended if you liked any crime movie to come out since The Godfather

Saw V
So, wait…this guy’s still around? Are they still actually making new Saw movies, or just splicing together old footage from the first couple? And more importantly, would the fans notice if they did? Seriously, how many different variations on the “torture porn” genre can there be? Then again, the creative potential for “regular porn” was exhausted some time in the 1970s, and they’re still making more of those. So there must be something I’m missing here. I wonder if this has anything to do with those F’s I got in my business classes?…

Recommended if you haven’t taken that ICP album out of your car stereo since 1998

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